Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Shhhhhh it happens





Storms can be beautiful!

My hobbies and fun

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The joys of my life




The love of my life





Adam's children




Woody and 3 of the 11 grandchildren hunting doves

In my last entry "Thanksgiving" I tried to convey the depth of my gratitude. I re-read my post and felt as if something was missing. I thought that in order to understand it fully, I would have to re-write it and explain every way in which the losses had affected my life. The sacrifices, changes, disappointments and lack would have to be laid out. As I began, it dawned on me that I didn't even want to "go there". I didn't want to make the long laundry list of grievances, yet once again. I knew then, that I had truly changed. No longer did I want to think and repeat the negatives. I didn't want to reinforce and ignite the self pity that drove my life, so far. I wanted to live, not waste time in the past. I wanted to "be" in the "now". On the day of this new awakening, I was filled with positive energy and looked forward to my day, my life. I bounced out of the house and drove to work. My mind wandered to the wonderful blessings of the past. I began to dream of the bright future ahead. A trickle of fear crept in and I thought "Oh! This is too good to be true and it won't last for very long. Something will come along to knock me down. Be prepared, brace yourself. Try to hold onto this wonderful feeling of hope." I figured that I would just be ready for it and it wouldn't rob me of my joy. Sure enough one hour later I stepped in a hidden pile of dog mess on the lady's rug that I was vacuuming and then proceeded to run over it with the vacuum cleaner. Oh Yuck! How appropriate that the first downer would be "shit". Yes "shit happens" as they say. It does. I laughed as I cleaned it up, on the carpet, my shoe and inside the vacuum cleaner. Not my usual attitude. OK! I realize that life isn't perfect, but I'll be damned if I'll let it steal my happiness. When I stack my ups and downs next to each other, I see, if I choose to, that the positive "pile" is higher and brighter and the negative "pile" is, well, you know........















Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving






   It is weird how simple thoughts can hit you in a new and more profound way, all of a sudden. I was on the floor scrubbing away, deep in thought, when it hit me. Life was a real gift. A gift that only God can give. If anyone gives me anything, I am grateful and appreciative. I have not been to God. I had a wonderful childhood. Great parents and grandparents. I was active in school and was raised in the Catholic church. I was told that I could do anything with hard work and an education. My life ahead was filled with hopes and dreams of happiness and achievement. When I turned 15 they told me that my father's mother had cancer. She died when I was 16. A year later, one day after my 17th birthday, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and was told that she had about 6 weeks to live. We were devastated. She lived two and a half years and died when I was 19. Then two years later my sweet maternal grandmother died of heart failure. Since then, I have lost so many more. My brother's baby drowned, my father, a few cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, two sister in laws that were under 33 years old. One of them being, Miia Trahan, Samarah's godmother, who had breast cancer. It is a loss that still has me shaking my head in disbelief, after 15 years. On May 4, 2002, I lost my oldest daughter, Rosalind. She died of a brain aneurysm. Tragedy struck again on Jan 1, 2009, when my youngest daughter Samarah's husband, Russell Hays, was killed in a horrific car accident. A criminal case and trial is still in the works for the real driver. A blog for another day.
   Long ago when I was a little girl, I had dreams, hopes, visions of a wonderful life. I had no idea there would be so many losses and so much sadness and pain in my life. On the day that I realized that God had given me a gift of life, I realized that I had not been grateful for the first breath. I also realized how angry I had been most of my life. Angry at life, God and myself for the pain. I came to see that I have been acting like an ungrateful, spoiled brat, actually. Wasting precious time, having an adult temper tantrum. I am ashamed now, but free. I want to live. Really live! Not complaining about everything, feeling pity for myself. I have been working up to this, I know. It's been a long time coming. Starting with seeking beauty and joy in my life. But now, just for me, I want to live again. Really live. No one else may know the difference in me, but I will. Thank you, Lord for delivering me from this attitude and showing me how to be thankful. Happy Thanksgiving. I can't wait to see what the next 50 years will bring!