Storms: "The sun will come out tomorrow"

Building

Thunder

After the rain

  My heart is heavy, full, and needs to pour. Like a thunder cloud needing to release its heavy load. So many things happen beyond my control. I can't fix everything that I want to. I try to live my life in a way that I think is right. I've lost the way to do it real, yet again. When will I learn? Politics, religion, education, all wanting to influence my life, and for what? Who cares? I just need to begin again. When the time comes that I have a few hours to myself, I hunker down and wait for the reprimand that life gives me, for waiting so long and being so stubborn. Instead it comes, little by little, a lifting, loving, forgiving little thought. "Maybe you are wrong. Easily fixed. You just need to let your ego admit that you've been a little stiff. Maybe you have been seeing things through other's eyes. Admit your errors and move on." One time my Daddy asked me "Stephanie, when are you going to start living your life for yourself?" I thought "Really? I can? Aren't you the one who made us live for everyone else?" He was a wonderful, giving, selfless man. He was the one who lived for us. I am sure that he didn't want his sacrifice to be in vain. Don't we all want that for our children? That they will live their lives for themselves. Speaking of children, Rosalind! I miss her so much. I brought flowers to her grave today. I just want to know that I will see her again, one day. Honestly, I want to believe in God so that there will be a place that all of us can be together again. I can't bear to think that there is not such a place. I cannot bear to think that there may not be a God. So I CHOOSE to have faith. What and how would I live my life if there were not a God? Would I murder, steal, lie or do anything differently? No! So can I relax into a life where I don't have to be in control? Can I just BE? I used to be able to relax only if my conscience was completely clear. Only after a Saturday afternoon trip to confession, could I rest. It is much easier to try to control my life than to rest in the arms of Jesus. Only problem is, I am not perfect. Pride, anger, jealousy, bitterness, worry, greed and a lack of faith.Those, just to name a few. Again, the answer is to rest in the arms of Jesus. Enjoy life, not control it. Have faith that I will be good enough. Faith in myself. Faith that if I stop trying so hard, I will do the right thing, anyway. Faith that the goodness is already there. Is there really anything more important? At the end of the election day, when the candidate you voted for either won or lost, did you realize that you did the best you could, but so did the other guy? We are not all that much different. We all hurt. We all love. We all want the best for ourselves and our loved ones. We may think that there are only two ways to do that. I think that there is another way. That is to drop all of the defenses and just love one another until we "aren't" anymore. When I think of how, if I had every gold coin on this earth, every treasure and gain, and could still not buy the only thing I want, my daughter back, I feel rich. Nothing compares. Until they call you and tell you that your child is not breathing, until you walk up to the grave of your child, until you've lost the only thing that money cannot bring back, you do not know how UN-important everything else really is. It singles things out, pushes it all aside, tunnels your vision to only one thing, and that is LOVE. THAT is what rich is! Then "The sun will come out tomorrow". Then the storm is over!